Coming out of the cocoon

in the ER

A letter to my community:

Beloveds,

It is a tremendous honor to have energy to write to you. I have been recovering from a traumatic brain injury the past 7 months. 

I entered a cocoon to heal. I have never really taken time off the past 20 years of teaching, dancing, continuing to train. This was a much needed pause and reset. 

In the beginning I could not think or speak very clearly. My face spasmed, I didn’t recognize my own voice. I didn’t have the energy to walk to the bathroom. My eyes could not take in the light of the day. I lay in the dark. 

I had dreams of dancing with many of you. Dreams of swimming in the quarry at nine mountain (the land of Touch&Play and Do Good Things with Power.)

I dreamed more than I was awake. I was not able to be on screens at a time when the world was online. I had to discover how I belonged even when I was alone. I spent more time with trees than people.

my favorite redwood grove on Ohlone Land (Oakland)

My housemates were very busy working and often didn’t have time to connect with me before I would fall asleep around 7 pm. It was like being on an unintended meditation retreat in the middle of an executive hub!

I couldn’t walk, not because my musculo skeletal system was tired, because my brain didn’t have attention to track my feet, legs, and the space around me.

I remember the moment I had the energy to track my breath. That first breath when I could notice my inhale and exhale. It was life changing. Choosing the timing and quality of my breath was like getting a remote control to my brain, nervous system, and attention. 

Attention takes energy. What we give attention to shapes us.

I was simultaneously having a mystical awakening and healing trauma from a near death experience. I was grieving the loss of many lives these past 7 months (friends, mentors, loved ones) and experiencing a sense that I have been given my life back. 

In my inner circle of friends people started to share with me their soul brightening tragedies… losing their mom as a child, living with ALS, brain injuries, chronic fatigue. I started to get to know the resilience of my loved ones as they shared things they never had before. These journeys of suffering and extreme loss were initiations for each of them that deepened the way we could be present with each other.

After a near death experience, the gift of being alive is so profound, each moment of the day, even brushing my teeth. Even being alive and uncomfortable is such a gift compared to thinking "it’s all over… I will never see another human again."

HERE I AM, writing to YOU!!!!!

You incredible souls who have chosen to be part of my journey and my work over the last 20 years. I live for you in ways I haven’t discovered how to put into words yet.

As I lay in bed day after day my heart started to expand. It grew slightly bigger each day knowing I could not rush this healing. I could not change my state. I could not make words come to my mouth, or make my brain able to hear sounds without wincing, I could not make myself walk to the bathroom. I could have another mental breakdown or surrender to uncertainty. Those were my choices.

The hardest part wasn’t even the symptoms, it was the impact my injury had on my relationships. I couldn’t make dinner for my community. I couldn’t listen to how my parents were doing, I didn’t have the attention. It took me a while to admit I needed to close my coaching practice to heal. I would attend zoom yoga and dance classes every day with the camera off, listening to the voices of teachers I love. I would take class in my imagination. I could not see my partner because my housemates felt it would be too big a covid risk. During this time of surrender my heart learned to accept and love on a level it never could have before. 

I have never received so much support from my community. I want to give a special thank you to Alyssa, JWow, Rachel, Mazin, Jackie, Bernadette, Teeni, Dave, and Nick. There are more people than I can name and these people really stayed front and center in my emotional and spiritual initiation. As someone who’s been very able minded/bodied and taken a sense of pride in my independence this woke me up to something far more powerful than productivity, accomplishment, and the illusion of independence. 

from my resting place

My recovery taught me a practice I started to call “waking the heart.” I did it every day for months. The gift of being alive in our human family became more and more vibrant, my heart softened open. I fell in love with the closest people in my life in a new way. 

I got to know myself in a more authentic way and why I am here.

There is a community I’ve dreamed of creating for years. It’s clear to me that it’snow time to create a spiritual kinky dance community for personal and social liberation. 

I will be sharing an invitation with you in the next week! For now, I wanted to share from my heart as I emerge from the cocoon to reconnect with you.

with so much love,

Z