How I discovered grief ritual with Sobonfu

It started with a heartbreak 9 years ago when I separated from my fiancé. I was just beginning to explore my gender beyond the binary with her. I was afraid I would lose access to my newly discovered masculine expression without our partnership. I think I stayed in our relationship even after I knew we weren’t working because she affirmed this part of me that was just starting to open. When she became violent it was clear to me we were done. She was just admitting she needed help to stop drinking. I cried because I loved her, I saw her suffering and I couldn’t heal her. I cried because I had become afraid of the person I was closested to. I cried because I lost the dream we shared of getting married and having a baby. I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings. I just lay there and cried. I knew I couldn’t be present for my coaching clients. I knew I needed to pause working with them and I started applying for a day job for the first time in six years.

I walked into a room with 70 people for my first grief ritual hoping I could become functional again. Sobonfu Somé introduced herself as a woman from the Dagara Tribe in Burkina Faso. Her life’s intention was to bring the grief rituals from her village to the rest of the world. She guided us to speak what we were grieving.

Someone called out, “I’m grieving for everyone who is suffering from addiction or a loved one with addiction.” Almost the entire room raised our hand in solidarity. It took my breath away for a moment. I had no idea how common my experience was. Sobonfu guided us as we sang, we wailed at the altars, we held each other for two more days.

This group of people around me was not only willing to name our pain, we were willing to be with it and to let it transform us. This is the most courageous group of people I’ve ever been with. I continued to attend Sobonfu's grief rituals until she passed in 2017. I wasn't ready for her to go. This was the most healing ritual I had experienced. How can we carry forth her legacy?

I started to find others who had practiced with Sobonfu. I started to co-lead grief rituals. Now 6 years later we are ready to make a film about grief & eros so more people can learn about this way of healing.

Will you help us create a film on Grief & Eros? We are fundraising $15,000 by June 30th (and $52,000 by Dec 1) to film a series of rituals on healing race & gender. All donors are invited to a special Grief & Eros workshop on the Summer Solstice. (Details in link)